Time

Last evening Brie and I watched Bicentennial Man together. I don't remember seeing it when it was in theaters so I thought it would be fun to watch it with her. What a great movie! It was amusing while at the same time very thought provoking. At the end I cried (but then I cry at everything). I wasn't just crying because of the ending, but something much more profound and painful. I just held Brie and sobbed. My time is running out........


When I was a child everything looked so big. Colors were vivid. People were so tall. It took FOREVER to reach your destination. As an adult I was stunned to realize how much everything had changed. I know that seems silly, but it's true nonetheless. One of the hardest to experience was seeing my grandparent's home. I had such happy memories of being there. When I returned a few years ago it was truly sad to see it. The house was so tiny. The driveway (which had been so long in my memory) was very short. Everything was different and distressing at the same time. What had happened?


Another weird phenomenon occurs. Streets get shorter. I wanted to show the girls where Pappy and I had gone to the dairy to get milk. We drove down the Quarry Road... past the houses my mom and uncles had lived in when they were younger (with their spouses and children), past the quarry, and over the little stone bridge (where we played in the creek). I knew we still had a ways to go before I was at the end of the road. Or so I thought. Before I knew it (like a few seconds) I was at the stop sign. When had they shortened the road? I really thought that had happened. It wasn't until I made the left turn that I realized everything was still they way it had been when I was a child... only much smaller... again! What had been a "long trip" as a child was actually only a few minutes. By the way, the dairy is gone. The only way I realized where it had been was by the bend in the road and the old paved parking lot on the hill. I could still smell it in my mind though. Kind of sad.

So I really got to thinking about all of this. Here I am at 44... not "old" by any means, but certainly "half way" through life. What have I done? How much time do I have remaining? Will I be here tomorrow.... or 50 years from now? Of course no one knows. When I considered leaving my children, I was overcome with a deep sadness . I know I struggle with them at times, however, they're still the reason for my getting up in the morning. I love them with all my heart. I felt such profound sorrow at the thought of not being able to see them living their lives... of being with them forever. Yes, I know about eternal life... what I mean is being with them here in mortality. If they passed before me, I'd be fine going with them to the other side of the veil. I cried my eyes out.

Am I selfish for wanting to stay here forever? Actually I don't really want that. I just want to be with my family and loved ones. I don't want to miss a second of their lives. I know I will have to say goodbye at some point but at the same time I know it's only for a marked period of time. I can't imagine not knowing I'll see them again. How do people survive without the knowledge of life after death? I'm pretty sure I've used up half of my time.... Have I made a difference? Have I contributed to humanity? Have I done something "of good note or praiseworthy?" Will my descendants have a good example to follow? I hope so.

All this from a movie!