Heart Ache

My heart is hurting. I've never felt such pain in my life as I have these past several months (particularly since late April). When I compare what I'm experiencing now to my previous challenges (childhood trauma, pregnancy loss, divorce, death of loved ones, car accident, financial struggles, etc.) none of it compares to the sadness I feel these days. NOTHING. I suppose that is the sign of the love a mother has for her children. Nothing else really seems to matter when you see your child struggling and nothing you say or do makes a difference... It truly never entered my mind that being a mother would hurt this much.Since I understand a person not wanting their personal "baggage" out for all to see, it would be unfair for me to write exactly what my Emile is going through in this type of forum. I can say that the majority of it isn't much different than what most teens her age are going through as well. The only difference that I can see is in how her challenges could be handled. Of course I'm referring to the gospel.

I can so clearly see (and actually always have been able to) why our leaders have instructed us to keep the commandments, pray, study the scriptures, be morally clean, etc. Obviously agency enters into this and there's where the problems begin. Example: No Dating until you're 16!
The church says not to date until you're 16 (and then double date in the beginning). At the same time the youth can start going to church dances at 14. Using that criteria, I allowed Emile to go to Homecoming with a group of friends (6 girls, 2 boys). If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have let her go. BIG MISTAKE on my part. Things have rapidly gone down hill since then. While Emile isn't "dating" formally, she does have a "boyfriend." We're at a point in life where Emile is going to make choices which I don't agree with; choices I know will lead to sorrow for her. Regardless of what I can see coming, she won't listen. She is determined to make her own decisions... somewhat recklessly at times.I feel that so much of what Emile is going through is my fault. What if... I had done this or that? What if... I hadn't yelled at her so many times? What if... I hadn't put so much responsibility on her young shoulders? What if... I had had Family Home Evening every week... went to church each and every Sunday, had family prayer EVERY morning and night? WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF??I fear for my child. I weep for my child. I am becoming physically ill with worry for my child. I am angry at times because of the choices my child is making. When I see my child hurt, I hurt too. I feel turmoil about how to reach my child. I know I can't save my child....

When all else is said and done all that is left is for me to PRAY for my child.