The Hearts of the Fathers

 

This is a picture of my former husband, Fernando, and 3 of his 6 children. It was taken when Emile was not quite 2 years old. It was also while we were still "happily married." Fast forward 12 years and things have changed in so many ways. The most painful is in the relationship the girls (Emile and Brie) have with their father. Actually it would be more accurate to say the lack of a relationship they have with their father.

Going back to the time I was trying to decide if I should stay in my marriage is troubling. Like most people who are divorced, it wasn't my first option to walk away. I had many pros and cons I took into consideration before making a final decision. The final straw was being talked to and treated like I was a second class citizen... or worse. I did not want Emile and Brie growing up thinking this was the way a woman (or wife) should be treated. Now, in all fairness to their dad, not everything was his fault... obviously. I made mistakes as well. I do, however, know I was 170% willing to go to counseling or do whatever it took to try and save our marriage. He was never willing to do so. I even went on my own ... but as you know, if both parties aren't trying things seldom work out. Such was our case.

In order to divorce in Utah, parents must take a parenting class before the judge will sign the final decree. The class was designed to teach parents how to co-parent after divorcing (like not talking the other parent down, not putting kids in the middle of situations, etc.) I did... he didn't. In fact, I had to wait over a year before petitioning the court do grant the divorce (and pay another $300+ dollars in fees). If a parent wants to move out of the state with the children, the "non-custodial" parent has to grant permission (there's an actual legal form that has to be signed). Obviously, that form was signed. Certain legal AND moral obligations are ordered by the court... such as child support (which I settled upon a lesser amount per month), medical/dental/life insurance (which I have to go through "back doors" to get information about since I'm not provided with necessary documentation and/or cards), visitation, splitting of property and assets (which I took none of), etc.

Most things are fairly standard and most people have the same guidelines, such as... each party has to pay 50% of all expenses remaining which are not paid for by insurance. Example: Braces... $5,000 per child, minus $1,500 ortho coverage leaves $3,500 remaining... divided by 2 parents equals $1,750. Not really too bad when you think about it. Em's braces are done... Brie is almost done. To date, if you include what I've paid for Brie so far, I've paid $5,375 just on braces alone. I'd say I've satisfied my "half" of the financial "obligation." Most importantly though, even though I'll never see a cent from anywhere else, I've done my best morally. My children know I'd do everything in my power to care for them. Of that there is no question.

Emile had an absolutely heartbreaking conversation with her father last night. It ended with her father hanging up on her. She called back and left a message telling him she never wanted to speak with him again. It was painful to watch her go through this. She felt it was necessary to defend me against insults he was hurling at her. She was deeply hurt and angry when he referred to his daughters as "you people." Most of all, she was completely frustrated with his inability to hear anything she was trying to tell him and his lack of ownership over any of the difficulties that have happened because of him and his lack of involvement. She could not understand his selfishness and lack of concern. It was terrible watching her switch from anger to sadness to disbelief. How do you explain such complex issues without "throwing someone under the bus?"

When all was said and done, Em and I had a good chance to talk. I told her I was sorry she had to go through this experience... and that at some point her father will ask for her forgiveness. I know in his own way he loves her deep down inside. I reminded her that our divorce had nothing to do with her or Brie. I also reminded her of the wonderful qualities she has that are because of him. Regardless of the choices he makes, I will always love the children I have with him. They are a blessing to me... they inspire me to do better... they make my life complete. I think I actually feel sorry for their father. He's missing out on the best part of life. How sad is that?!