Emile is gone. She left Monday evening after we had another argument about Zach. I thought she wasn't seeing him anymore (after some really ugly text messages she had received from him). I thought she finally saw how unhealthy this "relationship" was. I find out Monday (from the neighbors) that she's still seeing him. I felt like a fool! But what's new about that. According to the doctors, some friends, and of course Emile herself, the problem is mine, not hers. I'm supposed to just let her do whatever she wants..... she should just be allowed to learn from her mistakes. Wow, that's a pretty hard concept for me. How do I allow my 14 year old to do whatever, whenever? I don't know how to do that.... nor do I think I should. Obviously what I've done to this point hasn't worked though. All seems in vain.
So she's with a friend for now. Of course that's not a long term answer. Sometime this week she's supposed to go to the shore with another friend... then she comes back and the next day goes on "Trek" with the youth from church. I guess I won't see her until at least next Saturday (the 12th). I have no idea what to do after that. I've called and checked on her each day and she seems to be doing just fine, unlike me. I'm dying inside. All I do is cry. I go from angry to hurt.... from resolute to not knowing what to do. This really sucks!!! How could the child I worked so hard to give birth to despise me so much now? I know I've made mistakes. I know she's had a lot of responsibility put on her. I have, however, tried to give her all the opportunities I could so that she'd have a well rounded childhood (Girl Scouts, theatre, church, marching band, after school activities, etc). Where have I gone wrong? Will she make it through this with minimal "injuries" or will she end up in a truly destructive place? I know what that place is like. I don't want her there.
Am I that terrible of a mom? I hate knowing that Emile is this unhappy... and that it's because of me (at least that's how she feels). She told me that I'm the one that makes her unhappy... I'm the one that has a problem with her... I'm the one who doesn't like her. I feel like a monster... like the ugliest person on the face of the earth.
Oh how I hurt.
3 comments:
Brenda,
Im so sorry you are hurting so much...I guess God told me to check your blog because I haven't for a long while. I know the pain you're going through, been there, done that....here's the hope...although its not immediate (it takes a long time,,,believe me...I absolutely know)...they do grow out of some of this stuff....because....they were loved. Just keep praying...Love, Jane Leech email me at jally843@comcast.net or call...the #'s are still the same
You are doing the right thing. So many parents these days don't, because it's hard. Continue to turn to the Lord for answers. You are doing the right thing.
Teenage years are a hard time to navigate both as the parent and the child. And although I am a parent now and nervous with anticipation for that phase of my life, I also remember it vividly with a lot of the emotions still there. But as the years fade so does the intensity of that emotion that goes with it. I don't have answers for you, I don't have them for myself, and I don't know that you want my answers even if I had them, but you are not a monster. We all are trying and knowing both of you I imagine that Emile is trying too and perhaps that is enough for now.
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