Where Have I Been?

The other day I was doing some stuff around the house and I happened to mention my blog. The response was surprising to me. I was asked if I still have a blog. Imagine that! Me. The "blog queen" in our family. Then I got to thinking. Guess what??? I have been woefully inadequate at keeping up on my blog for a very long time. I can come up with several reasons (excuses) as to why this has happened. None would be acceptable though. For me blogging is important. It really is my life's journal. I just happen to share it with those I care about it. I don't feel I have to hide anything. I am who I am. Warts and all. Who knows, maybe something I share will make a difference for someone. That's not why I blog, but I do know that when I read an entry on a friends blog, it helps me see things from a different perspective.

Enough rambling. To get caught up on things.... since last blogging numerous events have taken place in my life. Some have been incredibly wonderful. A few have been beyond painful. I will call this portion "Choice and Consequence." As is the case with life, we all have choices we make. Sometimes we go into situations with our eyes wide open. Other times we leap too quickly.... unsure of exactly what the outcome may be, but willing to make the jump nonetheless. Such was the case for me. I met someone special. From the very first date we clicked. It was positively unbelievable to me. After nearly a decade and a half of being on my own I couldn't believe I had met him. To make a short story even shorter, things didn't work out as I thought they would. Unfortunately I let my guard down too quick, and to say I opened my heart up wholly and completely would be an understatement.

At the beginning of August he told me he didn't feel a connection to me. That it wasn't me... it was him. I had done everything thing right but he didn't feel he loved me. As quickly as things started for us, they ended. It was done just like that. Almost a month later I'm feeling better about things. I will be honest though, my self esteem really took a hit on this. I can't help but wonder what I lack. What is it that makes it where I'm still alone? Why don't I have someone in my life to love? I may never know the answer to some of my questions. So I am left to put one foot in front of the other and move on. To stop would be to give up. I will not do that.

I have started dating again. I find it challenging. I have my guard up. I DO NOT want to be hurt again. I DO NOT want to begin to care about someone only to be kicked to the curb again. At the same time I realize I must be willing to take the chance in order to find what I seek most. A loving, loyal, and trustworthy companion to stand beside. It doesn't seem too much to dream of. And yet.....