The Ugliness of Life (Demons)

You all know I've been working on becoming more financially secure. Most of you don't know that I'm also ready to begin working on my physical self.... to make it more secure, too. I came to two stark realizations several months ago. First, I have been a very "slothful servant" over my body. I have not taken care of the "temple" my Heavenly Father blessed me with. Second, I will never be truly successful at becoming physically healthy if I don't confront some of the ugliness of life, particularly my childhood. I MUST release these demons in order to begin to heal and move on. I MUST be completely honest in order for this to work......... so......... here goes!!

I WEIGH 316 POUNDS.

Ok, I've said it out loud to everyone and their brother... although I've never hid the fact if anyone asked. Now what to do? Let's go back a few years (like to life in the womb). Bear with me............
It used to be that a baby was just a blob... something growing but not really there. We now know there's way more going on in the womb than we ever thought possible. Science is proving more and more about our womb experience every day. I firmly believe that we are aware if we are loved and wanted while in the womb. I'm certain we perceive our mother's emotions. I KNOW I was not wanted by my birth mother. I was the youngest of 8 children in my birth family and by womb experience wasn't a good one. Strike one!

Shortly after my birth I was placed in foster care. I have no conscious memory of that period of time. When I was 2 I was moved to what would become my permanent home, even though it started out as an emergency temporary placement. I was eventually adopted. One would think that was the beginning of ... "and they all lived happily ever after," right? Wrong. My parents divorced when I was 8. Strike two!

Our broken family moved to Utah. My mother met a man and eventually they were married. Ok, now things will be better. Wrongo. This man was an alcoholic and physically abusive with everyone except me. For some reason every time he came at me I'd freeze on the spot and scream. It was like he was in a trance because everytime I screamed he'd stop, turn around and walk away. While I was never beat up myself, I witnessed way more than a child should have had to see.
This man eventually died as the result of horrific burn injuries he received. I was 11. Safety on one hand, turmoil on the other. Strike three!

By the time I was 12 my mother had already found another "man." This one would turn out to be a monster in his own "special" way. On a Sunday morning... the last Sunday morning before my thirteenth birthday, this "man" came into my room and molested me. I remember slamming the door as he left, wedging myself against the door and sliding down to the floor. I drew my knees up to my chest and wept. My brother and I were beat up more times than I wish to count. I still have reminders on my body from injuries inflicted by his hand.
For the next several years I went through a very self destructive period of time. I did things to myself that I hope my own daughters never try. I used everything I could think of to numb the pain I was living with. No matter how far down I went I could NEVER completely escape. After seriously hurting myself twice I ended up in a hospital and finally started getting the help I would need to survive the rest of this journey. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to survive, but I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital unless I agreed to intense therapy. Needless to say I'm glad I got the help. I'm still here.

SO... here we are. I'm finally at the point where I'm sick to death of the last form of protection I've built around myself. I'M FED UP WITH MY FAT!!! At the same time I'm terrified to let "it" go. I'm afraid. My fat keeps me safe. I don't have to get too close to people, especially those who don't like fat people. I don't have to worry about being in a relationship with a man... of getting hurt again... or more importantly of bringing a "bad" man into our home who may hurt my daughters. Am I screwed up or what? Ok, I'm going to stop for now. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment. That's enough for now.