Fear of Failure

Here I am, over a year and a half out from my gastric bypass. So far, so good. For the most part I've felt very healthy. I've had a few "hick-ups" along the way, however, I've had it "easy" compared to many other gastric bypass patients. I am truly thankful for the success I've had so far, and words cannot begin to describe how wonderful it is to feel healthy and alive. That said, here is my biggest concern and my darkest fear.....
               I am terrified that I will get fat again. Believe me when I say that I'm by no means thin. I am at what I consider to be a comfortable weight. I wear anywhere from a size 14 (or large) to an 18 (or X-large), depending upon where I shop. I am physically active for the first time in probably close to 20 years. I feel great! I'm just not skinny. In fact, technically, according to weight charts, I'm still considered obese. Grrr. So frustrating.

So, according to our current medical standards, I'm still too fat. People say I look like an "average" built woman now. Not too skinny, not too fat. Just right. Yay for me! I pretty much feel the same way. I feel attractive. I feel good about myself. More importantly, my general health is much improved. I never want to go back to where I was before. I want to continue to live.... I want to continue to have quality (not just quantity) in my days.

At times I now feel like my entire world revolves around food, and I guess it really does. I have to read labels, decide what is going to give me the highest amount of protein in the least calories, when I should be eating solids in relation to when I am consuming liquids. I also have to think over how my pouch may respond to any particular foods I eat. I'm much more focused now than I used to be.

Before surgery I would do what is referred to as "mindless eating." That's where you eat without even thinking about why you're doing it. It's one thing to "know" you're eating... such as for when you're irritated, depressed, stressed, celebrating, etc. It's another thing, entirely, when you just eat to eat. The food is there so you stuff it in your mouth. That's what is meant by mindless eating. I can honestly say that I don't do that anymore. I don't always eat the "right way." What I mean by that is there are some days when I make a conscious decision to NOT do what I'm supposed to do. I am fully aware that I am not following the post bypass guidelines, but there are times when I frankly don't care. I give in and do what I want to do. I usually end up "paying" for my behavior. When that happens, it's a good thing. It reminds me of why I had gastric bypass surgery, and what will happen when I don't follow the "rules."

As I go forward from here, the reality of what the rest of my life is going to be life is staring me in the face. I do not regret the decision I made..... not for a single second. I would do it over again in a heartbeat. When I began this journey I had a hard time even wrapping my head around getting to the point of being approved for surgery. Once that happened I had to get through the surgery and recovery period. Now I'm entering the "maintenance" part of the journey. Now is when the rubber meets the road. Now is when I either continue to make good choices and continue to keep the weight off, or ignore guidelines and gain back the weight I have lost. I MUST NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! I must not regain the weight.

My body will never be "perfect." I will always have lumps and bumps, sags, and bags. It is what it is. I consider the imperfections to be proof of the strides I have made, as well as reminders of where I was and where I am today. I am still a beautiful and vibrant woman. I still have much to give. I remain a work in progress.