Uh, Oh!

I was talking with a friend the other day about childhood memories, particularly summer memories. A few years back I blogged about my "road trip" on a big wheel. It turned out I was traveling on an active highway construction site. Obviously, I still remember that experience very well. I also vividly remember the feeling of wet pants... because I'm pretty sure I peed in them. That said, I decided to share another summer memory. It wasn't funny at the time, but it sure is now.

As children, my brother and I spent the majority of our days playing outdoors. With the exception of lunch, supper, and when we needed to go to the bathroom, it would be safe to say that we were outside until it got dark. It was the same with the majority of the rest of the neighborhood children. We all played together.... and probably got in trouble together as well. It was the generation I grew up in. We didn't find this unusual at all. As an adult, however, I do know that it is unusual to be locked out of your house all day. Which brings me to the  

It was a warm summer day. My brother, Tony, and I, had been playing outside all morning. It was getting close to lunch and both of us were getting hungry. I decided it was time to go inside and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for us. No biggie, right? Wrongo!!! I went to the back door, it was locked. Hmmm.... What to do? I know, check the front door. Bingo! I was in. I went to the kitchen and collected all the necessary ingredients to make the sandwiches. I was a little over halfway finished when I heard a sound from the hallway. Being the naturally curious child I was, I went to see what was going on. Uh, oh!! I got an eyeful of what I wasn't supposed to see. My bad.

You can now insert the word you find most fitting. ... My step-dad was __________ (buck naked, in his birthday suit, nude, naked as a jaybird, doing the full Monty, going commando, etc.). You get the idea. Let me quickly mention that he was also VERY excited! Enough said. You get the idea. Using the phrase of your choice, you can complete the next sentence as well. ... He turned and saw me and got__________ (mad, ticked, irate, furious, etc.). Again, you get the idea.

I knew exactly what I must do and jumped into action. I quickly went back to the kitchen, finished making the last sandwich, cleaned up my mess (yes, I put everything away AND wiped down the counter), and exited the house. As I ran down the porch stairs, I grabbed Tony's arm and started dragging him across the street. We lived in a mobile home park at the time. Across the street was an empty lot that had a temporary set of steps sitting on a concrete slab. They looked a lot like the ones below, with the exception that they were filled in on the front and sides (so it was private).

I shoved Tony in the opening in the back, and promptly climbed in after him. I quietly explained what had happened and told him not to make a sound. A few seconds later we watched Mom come out the back door and call our names. Needless to say, we didn't answer. We just sat there, eating our sandwiches, while we watched her through the cracks in the 2x4's. After looking around a little, and calling out our names a couple more times, Mom turned and went back inside. Whew! That was a close one.

So, what ended up happening? Not much. Tony and I stayed hunkered down a few more minutes before climbing out and returning to our normal activities. When it was time to go in for supper, we did so. Nothing was said about the incident at all. There were a few questioning glances my direction, but neither Mom nor Mac uttered a word about it.

Is there a moral to this story? Nah,..... not really. Well maybe I should throw out one suggestion. If you're going to run around "excited" in the middle of a summer day, you may want to check and double check if the doors are locked. That's about it. All's well that ends well.

Fear of Failure

Here I am, over a year and a half out from my gastric bypass. So far, so good. For the most part I've felt very healthy. I've had a few "hick-ups" along the way, however, I've had it "easy" compared to many other gastric bypass patients. I am truly thankful for the success I've had so far, and words cannot begin to describe how wonderful it is to feel healthy and alive. That said, here is my biggest concern and my darkest fear.....
               I am terrified that I will get fat again. Believe me when I say that I'm by no means thin. I am at what I consider to be a comfortable weight. I wear anywhere from a size 14 (or large) to an 18 (or X-large), depending upon where I shop. I am physically active for the first time in probably close to 20 years. I feel great! I'm just not skinny. In fact, technically, according to weight charts, I'm still considered obese. Grrr. So frustrating.

So, according to our current medical standards, I'm still too fat. People say I look like an "average" built woman now. Not too skinny, not too fat. Just right. Yay for me! I pretty much feel the same way. I feel attractive. I feel good about myself. More importantly, my general health is much improved. I never want to go back to where I was before. I want to continue to live.... I want to continue to have quality (not just quantity) in my days.

At times I now feel like my entire world revolves around food, and I guess it really does. I have to read labels, decide what is going to give me the highest amount of protein in the least calories, when I should be eating solids in relation to when I am consuming liquids. I also have to think over how my pouch may respond to any particular foods I eat. I'm much more focused now than I used to be.

Before surgery I would do what is referred to as "mindless eating." That's where you eat without even thinking about why you're doing it. It's one thing to "know" you're eating... such as for when you're irritated, depressed, stressed, celebrating, etc. It's another thing, entirely, when you just eat to eat. The food is there so you stuff it in your mouth. That's what is meant by mindless eating. I can honestly say that I don't do that anymore. I don't always eat the "right way." What I mean by that is there are some days when I make a conscious decision to NOT do what I'm supposed to do. I am fully aware that I am not following the post bypass guidelines, but there are times when I frankly don't care. I give in and do what I want to do. I usually end up "paying" for my behavior. When that happens, it's a good thing. It reminds me of why I had gastric bypass surgery, and what will happen when I don't follow the "rules."

As I go forward from here, the reality of what the rest of my life is going to be life is staring me in the face. I do not regret the decision I made..... not for a single second. I would do it over again in a heartbeat. When I began this journey I had a hard time even wrapping my head around getting to the point of being approved for surgery. Once that happened I had to get through the surgery and recovery period. Now I'm entering the "maintenance" part of the journey. Now is when the rubber meets the road. Now is when I either continue to make good choices and continue to keep the weight off, or ignore guidelines and gain back the weight I have lost. I MUST NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! I must not regain the weight.

My body will never be "perfect." I will always have lumps and bumps, sags, and bags. It is what it is. I consider the imperfections to be proof of the strides I have made, as well as reminders of where I was and where I am today. I am still a beautiful and vibrant woman. I still have much to give. I remain a work in progress.